Chapter Five – Back from Slavery

November 2, 2013

One fine spring day in 2007 I went in to my Division Chair’s office, sat in front of her and told her that I was having weird brain activity and severe body pain. Barbara was a very bright young lady on the way up and immediately sensed the impacts of such statements on my teaching and on my career. She thanked me for sharing with her and immediately began a series of casual walks down my hall in the technology building fifth floor. I was able to work through that spring semester, but became more and more effected by the pain and mental weirdness. In the fall I asked for partial use of my sick days so I could continue as a full-time professor and continue working toward my goal of a 30 year pension. With the help of some wonderful people, especially Lynette Yurbery, I was able to complete my work at Salt Lake Community College, get to the 30 year mark on the Utah State Employee pension program and put my family in good stead financially for retirement.

My story had a great ending but one thing in the mix changed my life forever. From the moment I disclosed my health state to the present I have been looked at by some as having a mental defect. Very few people discussed this and went to great lengths to look at physical ailments including heart attacks, pulmonary embolisms, severe pain incident to nerve damage, and other such maladies. The real story is that from that moment on I was labeled consciously or otherwise as just a little mental. When people think you are mentally challenged they treat you differently; lots of dancing around subjects and game playing.  On the other hand when I could legitimately address my ills as physical all was well. People would accept me and my “conditions” as honorable and part of life. A broken heart (both kinds) or a broken mind both have devastating consequences.

Two things can be done to rectify the damage enslavement by diagnosis of mental defect has on individuals. The first, the world must recognize that mental illness is just that – an illness. It can be controlled, cured, postponed, or left to impair forever. Unfortunately, the stigma of mental illness has been around forever and will not be eliminated in our lifetime.

The second and most important damage control mechanism comes from within the individual and the family. On several occasions I have addressed the Christian belief that the first and great commandment is to love God, and to love our fellowmen as ourselves. The third part, the business of loving ourselves is most frequently ignored, or simply not understood as part of that great and noble commandment.  Call it what you may, when I get “depressed”, or otherwise mentally ill, I meditate; I pray, and I place myself in the hands of my Savior in a quiet, beautiful place where I can see who I am and know of my personal worth. By connotation and definition the word depressed means to be pushed down, or otherwise set below one’s dignity and potential. Our job is to allow our family to lift us up. Our job is to understand that we are children of a loving heavenly Father who did not make a mistake when he crafted us. We are here as we are to receive this body and this mind and to make the very best of what we have been given.

Will we ever get better? Will those with who find themselves at the very top of their respective idea and credibility cycles one moment and in the pit of despair the next find a level playing ground? The answer is yes we can. Wonderful medications are available for mental illness just as they are for physical defect; however, they will only assist if we are able to understand that each person is at the helm of his ship and guides his/her destiny. With the assistance of family, medicine, personal positive awareness, and the blessing of the Holy Ghost, we can live productive, loving, capable lives. Is it easy? Absolutely not! Is it time certain? No! the only thing certain is that we are here on earth as an errand of the Lord and we will succeed if we reach out and ask for the blessings of modern medicine, the love of our family, and the support of our Savior, and ministering angels through the Holy Ghost.

God bless each of us as we accept our earthly assignment, work to conquer the demons within, and assist others in their challenges.

Duane Jacobs, Grandfather, father, brother, uncle, cousin, and friend